After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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