She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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