She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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