He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
