and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
