my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just want to make out with him forever
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
