I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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