wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
