Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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