one word: firstdatebathroomanal
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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