i would punch a child for taco bell
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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