I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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