Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
