I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Randomize
