all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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