I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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