I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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