A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
