Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
