Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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