you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
