Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize