You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
