Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
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Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
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I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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