Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
