one word: firstdatebathroomanal
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
