Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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