All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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