I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
