Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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