Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
