Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
