Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
