I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
