I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
