Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
