I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
