I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
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