My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
