i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
