I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
