i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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