At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
