I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
