You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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