apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
And then he peed in my hair
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