just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
