I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
