so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
