I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
