Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
