Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
