Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
