Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
