your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
