you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
